i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
