I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.