I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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