My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
