This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
