im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
