I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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