Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
