New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
