Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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