you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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