oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
