U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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