I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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