We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
