I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
