why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
