my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Two words: nipple clamps
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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