I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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