New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
