Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
