Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
