I wish I could teleport
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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