I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
