Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
