its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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