So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
