apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
