I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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