and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
that is very illegal...i love you.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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