Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When are your genitals available?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I had to cum in my sink.
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