By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
