I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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