I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
