the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
