Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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