oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Less talking, more tequila
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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