I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
