The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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