There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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