im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
