his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
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As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
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I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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