I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
