My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
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I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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