I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
