Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
