U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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