The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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