what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
