I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
