Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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