I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
