i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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