Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
