Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have post one night stand depression
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