Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I faked an abortion last night.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
