I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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